Ireland: What are you at?

Right, how’s it going? Howayiz! Long time no see! How’s life? Great, deadly, yea…

So, I’m back in Ireland for the next few weeks – in case you haven’t heard I’ve just spending fifteen months in Saudi Arabia. Although I honestly never expected to never see this country again, I really didn’t expect that I would be hit with any kind of culture shock when I came back. So listen now, Ireland, I have a few questions for you. This is the kind of post where I’d really appreciate some replies from a wide audience, so don’t be shy. yea k.

Hand shaking.  Why don’t we shake hands more often? Living in Saudi I was mad for the aul handshaking craic. It’s a nice way to say hello like. It means something, like, “nice tsee ya”/”nice tmeet ya”. A little “intimacy” amongst friends, colleagues and showing appreciation for the chance to meet somebody new (which is tough enough over there so everyone’s already gaaaaggin’ for a friend). An ice breaker. It’s very much about the other person. Correct me if I’m wrong but over here (in Ireland. I’m in Ireland now. I was in Saudi, but now I’m in ireland) it feels like it’s a way of saying “Oh hello, I am civilised, functioning, adult. How do you do? Look how firm that grip is. Oh yeah? You noticed, soft hands…” etc etc. It’s very much about yourself, or a need to impress the other person. It by no means is an ice breaker at all. You shake hands and then you spend the next 20 seconds thinking about how you just shook hands… and then you might go in for a cheeky aul sniff (according to this guy). Dublin is great for meeting new people every day. Why can’t we all just engage in selfless handshakes.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 05.13.09
Why does this bitch smell better than me?

Where y’all going? I don’t mean physically. I know you’re heading to Steve’s tonight, the cinema tomorrow, and your parents house next weekend – it’s all over your Facebook. But I’d like to know – where are you going in life? After spending over a year (I was in Saudi by the way) completely engrossed in my “career goals” has really made me notice how easy it is to go without in Ireland. I understand that it’s hard to get anywhere in Ireland but we also admit to ourselves that it is far too easy here to make a joke about how you shouldn’t have studied arts and leave behind any career aspirations. In Ireland, we’re all so engrossed in our social gatherings and what not, that we don’t think so far into the future. Maybe it’s easier to do in Saudi, because we have less options… Maybe in the East people follow a path in the hope that it will lead them to happiness, and in the West, people chase after happiness in the hope that it will lead them down the right path. Either way, some people meet a dead end and others find success and happiness quite easily. And yet… the term “headless” chicken would never be understood in Saudi Arabia.

Headless chickens can’t see that others have eyes.
'I've come to ask for the hand of your daughter,'  'Top left hand drawer,'
‘I’ve come to ask for the hand of your daughter,’ ‘Top left hand drawer,’

Why do you all have Tinder? Really though, REALLY. It is the bottom of the barrel, the scum of the scum. Stop, Stop, Stop, It’s so trashy. Basically if you’re cool enough to not know what tinder is – it’s basically an app where people post pictures of themselves get a yay or nay (these are my own terms) from certain people, and if you yay each other you can start chatting. But that’s not how it really works here. It’s similar to the shameful 4am Facebook stalk, the one where you end up on your friend’s brother’s cousin’s neighbour’s Facebook page, looking through pictures of their 2011 holiday to Thailand hoping you don’t accidentally like anything. Except this time, you know that they’re doing the same to you and you are 100% okay with it. I mean, your pictures were carefully selected to make you look taller, hotter, and a little bit more craic than you really are. We always take on the worst influences from American movie culture but we still can’t talk to a random hotty in a cafe. I’m going to follow this one carefully. I’m worried for you, Eire. I’m rooting for you. Luckily, being an Arab, I’m going to marry one of my cousins who lives down the road. Can’t wait.

I recommend we al go back to this. Thank you very much, Mr Gray... you weirdo.
I recommend we all go back to this. Thank you very much, Mr Gray… you weirdo.

Y u think you’re so subtle!? It’s hilarious. Especially in girls. I love passive aggression. It keeps me alive. It’s that insincerity in the eyes. It’s easy. If you don’t want to talk to someone – don’t do it. Just keep in mind, that if you spend 20 minutes fishing for information that you can use later on for a wee gossip session – people will see right through you. In Saudi Arabia, they are a lot more obvious about this thing. I don’t know if they intend to be, perhaps they are just easier to read but I much prefer it that way. Although, I do miss the occasional cat fight and I’ve recently become addicted to relatively long gel nails… How many cat fights do you think I can slot in before I go home?

Sincerity is key.
Sincerity is key.

Disclaimer: This blog is a bit of craic, the inner monologue of an ego-maniac. If it offends you, as a self-assured unqualified Doctor. I recommend you take a few of these and listen to Destiny’s Child Greatest Hits.



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