The bank holiday is over, so naturally I’m spending my day refusing to leave the house. I’m currently sitting on the floor with a jar of Nutella, a knife (for spreadin’), a few things I could spread Nutella on, and a few things that I shouldn’t (but I will (what are your thoughts on my use of the Oxford comma there? Ooh I’m bad)). This is the creative process. Just let it happen y’all.
I’m currently delving into the life of Beyonce (how do I do one of them fada things on a Macbook?) in an attempt to like, yknow, become her? My research has taken me into her Destiny’s child stage (hella important, I know) and I’ve realised that there’s a lot that we can learn from Beyoncé (thurr we go), Kelly, and whatsherface. These lessons are very important for the 21st Century woman, especially, the 21st Century Irish woman. Here are my findings:
For all the 20-something directionless females out there – feeling alone? Crying? Wondering why he won’t call you? Think he’s cheating on you? Think you’re the other woman? Stress of work/college deadlines getting to you? Existential crisis? Well listen love, the Doctor’s in the house and she (me – not really a Doctor) is prescribing you a dose of Destiny’s child Number one hits. Apply as required. Here’s a link to a wonderful playlist Apple Music.
Say my name, say my name
If no one is around you,
Say baby I love you
If you ain’t runnin’ game
Say my name, say my name
You actin’ kinda shady,
Ain’t callin’ me baby
Better say my name
Lesson 1. (Say My Name) If he’s forgotten your name, he’ll “forget” your number”
This song has two lessons. First and foremost, I can’t believe I have to say this – but if you’re having a little dance in Coppers or wherever it is that young messes go these days, and yer man – yknow the Agsoc auditor, Micks friend – forgets your name halfway through…whatever, he’s not gonna call you tomorrow. Don’t expect him to, and dear God, don’t get annoyed if he doesn’t because I certainly don’t want to hear about it.
This one. This one’s Bee’s (she said I can call her that) verse, so of course it’s an important one.
Lesson 2. (Say My Name) If he’s keeping you on the DL. He’s ashamed of you.
If you’ve been “dating” a couple of months, you haven’t met any of his friends, and he has not accepted any of your tags on Facebook then he’s ashamed of you. It’s that easy. He hates you. He thinks you’re bet. He thinks you have a face like a bag of hammers. He does not want his friends to see this walking cry of help he’s dating. He just doesn’t think you’re up to his usual standard and is ashamed that he still enjoys your company. I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you, shuga. #Sorrynotsorry but get out of there, you can (probably) do better love. There’s more fish in the sea and other things you want to hear. or whatever.
Lesson 3 – (Bills, Bills, Bills) Go forwards, not backwards
Now you’ve been maxing out my card (card)
Gave me bad credit, buyin’ me gifts with my own ends
Haven’t paid the first bill
But instead you’re headin’ to the mall
Goin’ on shopping sprees
Perpetrating to your friends like you be ballin’
And then you use my cell phone (phone)
Callin’ whoever that you thinks at home
And then when the bill comes
All of a sudden you be acting dumb
Don’t know where none of these calls come from
When your momma’s number’s here more than once
I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as human beings is that we get stuck in a bad situation and we don’t realise it. Like, that’s really it isn’t it. That’s how you can royally eff up your life. My key tip to avoiding this, is making friends with absolute dopes so you can live vicariously through their disaster ridden lives and you’re only consequence would be to hear them moan, and moan, and moan, and mooooan about it. I remember when I was 15 years old, and one of my best friends (I’m sorry if you’re reading this but be glad I didn’t mention your name yea k) was in a “relationship” with this guy and she was mad into him. They were together about a month and his birthday came up – she bought him a camera and (you guessed it) he broke up with her. In retrospect (again, sorry) THAT’S HILARIOUS. But now, at twenty-something years old and yer fellers on the dole with no aspirations in life, while you’re doing all the work and paying all the Bills, Bills, Bills, you might have to ask yourself what 16 year old would have thought about this. But don’t do that. Cos she’s a stupid tramp. Just stop k? Be Beyoncé.
Lesson 4 – (Survivor) After of all of the darkness and sadness, Soon comes happiness
This song is one of the most important songs of our time. It’s very close to my heart – because it is my absolute karaoke jam. Listen love, wipe your running mascara, put down the spice bag, put on some shoes that fit you, throw on something decent (leggings are not pants), wipe the lipstick off your teeth, brush your back-combed hair, breath, baby. It’s alright. Slane Girl, KPMG girl, I got you. It all works out in the end.
Thought I couldn’t breathe without you, I’m inhaling
You thought I couldn’t see without you, perfect vision
You thought I couldn’t last without you, but I’m lastin’
You thought that I would die without you, but I’m livin’
Thought that I would fail without you, but I’m on top
Thought it would be over by now, but it won’t stop
Thought that I would self destruct, but I’m still here
Even in my years to come, I’m still gon’ be here.
In this day and age, this song is more to the little voices in your head than anything else. You’ll make it through whatever the hell you’re going through – so less of the cryptic Facebook statuses ye? (Cnt trust anyone these days xOxO). Ladies, we’re our worst enemies. Be nice to yourselves, no need to be so dra-mat-ik, chill out and stop being so desperate to be loved. It’s really f**cking unattractive, yeah?